thinking about home

Thousand things rushing through my mind. Just got off the phone with Tara, a fellow PCV. She has been thinking about the next step and going home. She was talking about all the things you give up as a PCV. She said the last time she made a new real friends was a year and half ago- when we all arrived. Romantic relationships are all but impossible. I give credit to PCVs who can have relationships with Thais- for me the language barrier would be too hard to take it for real. And with other volunteers it's certainly going to be long distance- up to 20 hours away from each other. Tara and I both agreed we have many Thai friends in our towns we love dearly, but it's still a little different from a friendship in America. We're not making lots of money, or able to store up much in the way of a nest egg here. And our friends and family in America are all together and we're not able to see them.

And all this is true. And for all these reasons I am so excited to go home. But I can't help but be sad about leaving too.

This morning I sat at the noodle soup stall on the street eating my breakfast and chatting with the noodle seller. Frequently i'd nod my head politely or 'wai' to someone I knew passing by. The noodle seller was telling me how great my thai was, as all Thais do to anyone who can speak three words in the language. But I couldn't help but be happy about being about the ease at which i can have conversations in Thai now, at all the friends I have in my town, and at how I live my life like a Thai in Uthai Thani.

I have my routine here. I know how life works. And I love it.

I am scared to make a whole new routine in America. I am scared that I will become more 'ji rawn' [which means 'hot hearted', or uptight] when my heart has really cooled out here and i've relaxed out in so many ways. I'm scared for how expensive things will be. I'm scared for overwelcoming my stay or doing other things that are culturally different in Thailand. I'm scared for how much I'll miss my lazy days of walking to the market to get my veggies and fruit, and chatting with everyone along the way. i'm scared for hearing about other PC friends who are still in Thailand and hitting up the blue water beaches or gathering for a party night in Bangkok.

These things will be hard whenever I go home, even if I stayed here for 5 years. I know I am coming home, so while I am trying to soak up every amazing minute of life in Thailand, I am also so excited to go home.

Transistions are always hard, but I'm trying to start a new page with this one and not agonize over it. Once I get home I will throw myself into school and life with Americans and only look to Thailand to see how much I loved it when I was here, and to contact my friends here, but not to wonder 'what if' about staying longer.